Less than stellar 2.0

I was released from my non-slumbering prison about 7:30 this morning and I'm STILL steaming over the unfortunate events of last night. Like a good little patient/inmate, I clambered into bed at 10p.m. And proceeded to have my tech (who had the personality of a piece of wet cardboard) enter my room every 5 to 10 minutes for the next TWO HOURS. First, the monitoring unit wasn't plugged into the wall properly. Then something wasn't plugged into the baseboard properly. Then something was unplugged behind the nightstand. Then the left leg electrodes weren't firing: swapped with the right leg. Then the right leg electrodes weren't firing. Wow. Really? I would have never guessed that...

And did I mention that while I was being hooked up to everything, I got to watch an informative little video about sleep apnea? And did I mention that the video very subtly mentioned the name of the company that manufactures the C-PAP machines used to treat sleep apnea? And that the video was -- drumroll please: produced by that very same medical manufacturer? But the piece de resistance was the tubes rammed into my nose.  Much like having an oxygen line, except this had nothing blowing through it; instead, it was to monitor the flow of air coming out my nose. The tube wrapped behind each ear and was then tightened under my chin alongside the collection of electrodes already residing there. As if that weren't bad enough, they piggy-backed another tube directly over this one that hung down and touched my lips. Did they monitor my blood pressure? Because at this point, mine was SKYROCKETED. Who thought up this mess? In this day and age when I can start my car from inside the house or set my home security or my dvd recorder from my cell phone in another state, you mean to tell me this crap couldn't be monitored WIRELESSLY?

At this point, I pretty much figured out there would be no sleep for me. So I laid awake, tossing and turning for the next several hours. And did I mention I was breathing through my nose the whole time? See, folks who suffer through sleep disorders, for the most part, are mouth breathers. When their soft palette relaxes, their epiglottis drops down and blocks their airway, causing them to stop breathing. Which disrupts sleep and can cause heart arrhythmia. Or so the video merrily informed me. But I breathe through my nose most of the time, unless I'm congested.  This was evidently not the results they anticipated nor wanted, because wet-cardboard returned to my room about 2a.m. to add YET ANOTHER TUBE INTO MY NOSE.  Which successfully blocked the amount of room I had to inhale and therefore FORCED me to breathe through my mouth. 


I. HAVE. HAD. IT. My blood pressure is pounding in my ears and I have to bodily restrain my own hands to keep from ripping this crap off and storming out. The only thing stopping me is the $200 check I just handed over to these bozos about 6 hours prior. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 3a.m. and out of pure exhaustion, I fall asleep. When someone (NOT wet-cardboard) enters my room about 7a.m. to tell me they're releasing me, I am up like a shot, informing him this was their one shot to monitor me. No second overnight stays. No "let's see how you sleep hooked up to the C-PAP." This was IT. Dunzo.

Off to Starbucks...

I am in a less than stellar mood right now... I am sitting at The Center for Sleep at Baptist Hospital, waiting for someone to come hook up a bunch of electrodes and monitors to my head, my face, my chest and my legs. Quite conducive to sleep, non? When I voiced that opinion to one of my new doctors (a pulmonary doc who specializes in sleep disorders) he didn't see the humor. Guess sarcasm isn't big where he's from.

The room is ok... quite "motel-like." Until you see the bed completely covered with wires, electrodes, monitors etc. and then note the notice on the wall that reminds you you're being recorded on camera at all times. This is like a bad movie... How did I get here, you might ask? Well, my new primary doctor isn't allowing me to slide on ANYTHING. My former doc was a sweetheart, but after 10 years together, our comfort had become complacency, so when he moved out of town, I was faced with the prospect of obtaining a new physician. "I got a guy" on high recommendation, and he is quite pleasant, but HE MEANS BUSINESS. Don't mention anything to him if you don't want the issue dealt with. Pronto. He asked how I slept, and I deferred with humor. He laughed along with me and then persisted until I answered that I'm up anywhere from 2 to 4 times a night, but wake about every 15 minutes to change sleep positions. I've attributed it to pain in my back from multiple work-related injuries (and surgery years ago that was somewhat successful) and constant pain in both shoulders. But because I've been told recently that I snore (THAT'S a whole 'nother can of worms I might not discuss here for fear of incriminating the guilty complainer), primary doc raised the possibility of a sleep disorder.

So here I sit. And stew. I've just been informed that I need to be in bed by 10 p.m. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?! The sleep doc had informed me I would need to maintain my normal sleep patterns. Which is: I go to bed between 11:30PM and 1A.M. Oh, this is going to be one big fat joy ride. And to top it all off? I'm barely in the door before they're hitting me up for $200. Someone needs to tell these folks that their patients would come in in a much better frame of mind if they at least bought 'em a cup of coffee first. Oh that's right: NO CAFFEINE.
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The nurse/sleep tech just left. I wish I had a picture of me right now. I would post it. I look like some type of experiment gone bad. Like Frankenstein's less successful sibling. I have a band around my abdomen, another around my chest, electrodes on my legs, my shoulders, in my hair, under my chin, behind my ears, and ON MY FACE. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm supposed to sleep like this? Oh yeah: and hanging around my neck is this contraption that all 24 wires plug into. Yep. TWENTY-FOUR wires.

Is it Tuesday yet?