I'm in such a state of flux right now... Those who know me know that I've been in a really pissed off place in my head about uncontrollable events at my job. Most also know I took matters into my own hands and put in bids for a new job. Well, my supervisor and great friend called me yesterday afternoon with the news: I got a new job. I will be rejoining the human race: I will be working DAYS. 10:30 AM to 7 PM. Not a bad deal; off early enough in the evening to actually go out and have fun, not in too early in the morning to prevent going out the night before and having fun...
So why am I less than ecstatic right now? I Hate Change. I know all the cliches already, so don't bother reciting the litany: "change is good", "change is inevitable", "without change there is no growth"... blah, blah, blah... Blah. BLAH. Have I said this before? Let me say it again: I HATE CHANGE. I know this makes no sense, especially when I've become disenchanted and unhappy in my current circumstances. But they're MY circumstances, dammit, and there is some comfort level that comes with ownership. I did what I was supposed to do: I made the mental list of pros vs. cons, going vs. staying, and the pros of going outweighed the cons of staying. BUT THERE WERE "PROS" ON THE SIDE OF STAYING ALSO. And now they are rearing their ugly little heads, sticking out their tongues and razzing me, making me question whether I made a good decision or not.
Let me list a few so you can join me in my pity party. I will be leaving behind 2 of the best friends anyone could ever have and a gaggle of other good buddies. I have had the good fortune of working for an amazing supervisor for the past 2 years, which is extremely rare in my job. In my 21-year federal career, I can name my truly excellent supervisors on one hand and have three fingers left over. She is very good at what she does, she is fair, and above all, she genuinely cares about her employees. But more than being an exemplary supervisor, she has become one of my best friends. It is she who encouraged, cajoled, and eventually pushed me off the cliff into counseling. And I am a better person for it. I will be eternally indebted to her for helping me see this was the only logical decision to be made at that point in my life. The other great friend is someone I only renewed my connection with in the past several months. We used to work together years ago, but as time and circumstances separated us, we lost touch. When she transferred to my shift several months ago, it was like coming home to an old friend -- the kind you can pick up the conversation with in mid-sentence years later. She is a joy to be around; she puts a smile on my face the minute I walk through the door. She sees the humor and the beauty in ordinary life and she makes those around her take time to appreciate it as well.
When contemplating the reality that I will no longer be working for and with these two, it makes me rather reticent. I feel like I'm heading out on a high-wire across a great chasm, and I don't have either of them to steady me. But if I listen closely, each is cheering me on as I venture to a new place. I have made a solemn vow to not lose touch with either of them. Great friends are difficult to find in this world, and even more difficult to keep. But it is worth whatever time and effort I must put forth to make it happen, because I am a better person for having each of them in my life.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
As I'm settling in to sleep this morning, I do so with a sense of happiness and well-being (For those of you who know me well, this isn't a particularly normal state for me... I'm usually agitated or obsessing about something). I really must say that when I take the time and make a conscious effort to remember and put into practice all the helpful little hints my counselor has been giving me the past year or so, I really can improve my mood/outlook. Instead of stressing out about the pile of laundry I tripped over as I entered my back porch/laundry room this morning, I instead focused on the fact that my neighbors' 2 (very large) dogs were roaming around my back yard. I love these 2 fuzz-buckets; they are extremely friendly -- in a warm, gangly, slobbery sort of way. So after letting my own 2 dogs out, I set out on a cold winter's morning adventure. Despite knowing my efforts would be rebuffed, I called to Simon and Lucy in hopes theirs would be a short-lived prison break. No dice. Lucy came running to me, rolled over to have her belly rubbed, and as I reached for her collar too quickly, was off like a shot, chasing after her companion Simon, who had barely given my calls and whistles a second glance. Simon is a much more accomplished escape artist; none of this neighborly trap-laying for HIM. Leash in hand, I headed up the street hoping they hadn't ventured too far, since the current temp was hovering around 30 degrees and I was wearing my usual uniform of shorts. Blessedly, they had only gone about 8 or 10 houses away, and had even made the mistake of entering someone's fenced back yard via their open driveway gate. After trespassing into this unknown neighbor's yard and closing their gate quickly, I was able to wrangle both dogs relatively easily, considering Lucy (on the leash) weighs about 65 or 70 pounds and Simon (being held only by his collar) weighs well over 100 pounds. But they both marched home with me like perfect little soldiers. My neighbor was so ecstatic after I put them back inside their pen that she cooked me breakfast.
I have such an enjoyable time with my neighbor. She's a stay-at-home mom who works far harder than anyone working outside the home. She's a phenomenal photographer, a talented writer, an upholsterer, a creative quilter, a poet ... is there anything this woman isn't capable of doing? She's a wonderful wife and mother, blessed with an awesome husband and 2 beautiful children. She's one of those people who GET IT. She may not know what the latest political crisis in the world is, but she takes the time to marvel at the beauty of a perfectly formed leaf. She may forget to take the time to brush her own hair, but she will sit down to read to her children, or play with them in the yard, or take them on adventures. She cares about the things that really matter: being a wonderful partner to her husband, and a mother who loves her children enough to want them to be the best they can be: loving, creative, respectful, adventuresome, caring human beings. If they follow her example, they will have the best teacher they could ever have. Any time I get to spend in her presence lets me know I am blessed. I am blessed to have her not only as my neighbor, but as my friend. So as I pillow my head this morning, I do so with a smile on face and a feeling of happiness at having been able to spend some time with my friend.
I have such an enjoyable time with my neighbor. She's a stay-at-home mom who works far harder than anyone working outside the home. She's a phenomenal photographer, a talented writer, an upholsterer, a creative quilter, a poet ... is there anything this woman isn't capable of doing? She's a wonderful wife and mother, blessed with an awesome husband and 2 beautiful children. She's one of those people who GET IT. She may not know what the latest political crisis in the world is, but she takes the time to marvel at the beauty of a perfectly formed leaf. She may forget to take the time to brush her own hair, but she will sit down to read to her children, or play with them in the yard, or take them on adventures. She cares about the things that really matter: being a wonderful partner to her husband, and a mother who loves her children enough to want them to be the best they can be: loving, creative, respectful, adventuresome, caring human beings. If they follow her example, they will have the best teacher they could ever have. Any time I get to spend in her presence lets me know I am blessed. I am blessed to have her not only as my neighbor, but as my friend. So as I pillow my head this morning, I do so with a smile on face and a feeling of happiness at having been able to spend some time with my friend.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Well, well, well... I've made the big leap. Here's hoping it's a successful one. After much thought and contemplation, I've decided to bid to another job. The reasons are myriad -- too many years spent on night shift which have left me sleep-deprived, too much time wasted in a job I don't really like just so I could work for a supervisor I love and respect. Believe me -- this latter reason counts for more than you'll ever know, because decent managers/supervisors are few and far between. Those that actually care about and listen to their employees... Hmmm.... I've been with the Federal hell-hole for 21 years, and this is only the second supervisor I've EVER had who I pledged my undying loyalty to. So why am I bidding out, you might ask? The ultimate driving force behind my decision is the fact that I am fed up with the latest happenings at my facility. Without boring you with the particulars, suffice it to say there has been some poop-slinging going on, and I had the unfortunate bad luck to get caught in the cross-fire. So as I sit here, proverbial poop dripping off my face, I've come to the realization I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE. I tried reasoning with our facility manager (to no avail); I availed myself of union representation -- those results were far short of spectacular. In fact, our local union is directly responsible for firing the first poop volley in this little shit-storm. A local rep (who shall remain nameless to protect the oh-so guilty) took a statement from a 7 month employee who was unhappy she was having to work so damn hard during Christmas and ran with it. Poor baby... mwah, mwah, mwah. Try stepping into MY shoes. I worked 14 hour days for a month, part of which time was spent straightening out messes made by this little employee with a whopping seven months of experience. There's nothing quite like the exhaustion of going in at 11 p.m. and getting off at 1:30 the next afternoon. The first week was survivable -- body held up ok, just never enough sleep. By the middle of the second week, my feet were hurting half-way through the night, despite wearing the latest Nike Shox (which look like moon-walking boots on springs). Weeks 3 and 4 brought such excruciating pain, I'm still not sure I didn't form the beginnings of stress fractures in both feet. Pain was instantaneous the moment I rolled out of bed following a short winter's nap and my feet touched the floor.
But back to our little resident trouble-maker and her fait accompli. This wench has been trouble since the first day she walked through the door. She is abrasive, moody, ill-tempered, and a COMPLETE know -it-all. Once partially trained for a job, she thinks she knows everything there is to know about the position. She does not listen. You can be explaining something to her and she anticipates (99% of the time incorrectly) what you are going to say next. So more time is wasted trying to undo the 5 thoughts that have popped into her pea-sized skull than if she had just SHUT UP AND LISTENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Can you tell I'm more than a little fed up? Well, she got it in her head that she was being discriminated against by having to do the job she was assigned through Christmas. Wake up and smell the napalm: this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the color of your skin and absolutely EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you have SEVEN MONTHS on the job and the rest of us have anywhere from 12 to 21 YEARS. DEAL WITH IT. We work in a job where duty assignments are dictated by seniority. Or so I mistakenly thought...
Back to the little union rep... My gripes with him are 3-fold: 1. he took a statement from an employee he doesn't represent (he is assigned to an entirely different work area and our little lady in question bypassed her own representatives to go to someone she felt would be more ... amenable to her "plight") 2. he did not properly investigate to see if her claims were correct, ask questions of the parties involved, or address the issue with the supervisor 3. he took the issue all the way to the TOP of the local labor/management chain, instead of starting at step one as local protocol dictates. Let's just say the resident bozos in labor/management have their heads planted so far up their own arses, they haven't seen how the REAL world works in YEARS. Past practice has always been that the senior clerk had to be OFFERED higher level work if the position was available, but had the option to pass that position down to someone with lesser seniority. Only logical, n'cest pais? Well, bear in mind, logic plays NO PART in most decisions by the powers that be, and this is no exception. Our local labor/management brainiacs have decided that "past practice" is incorrect and that we've actually been violating the contract for 21 or more years. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
So what this all boils down to is this: because I am the senior qualified clerk on my shift, I am being FORCED to fill in high level positions whenever the primary jobholders are out (which is QUITE often) even though there are other qualified clerks who WANT to do the jobs and who are quite capable of doing them and doing them well. I brought it to my manager's attention that, FOR THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY, I have put myself in a lower-paying position that ultimately has had more bearing on our overall success. He appreciated the argument, smiled in my face, and then stabbed me in the back.
So... I. BID. OUT. I may regret it. I may get stuck in a sucky job for several months or even more, but -- unlike most of the people I work for and with -- I have principles. I'm sticking to mine, and I'm bidding out based on them. If I don't like what I get, new jobs are posted every month. And they're awarded BASED ON SENIORITY. At least it still counts for SOMETHING...
But back to our little resident trouble-maker and her fait accompli. This wench has been trouble since the first day she walked through the door. She is abrasive, moody, ill-tempered, and a COMPLETE know -it-all. Once partially trained for a job, she thinks she knows everything there is to know about the position. She does not listen. You can be explaining something to her and she anticipates (99% of the time incorrectly) what you are going to say next. So more time is wasted trying to undo the 5 thoughts that have popped into her pea-sized skull than if she had just SHUT UP AND LISTENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Can you tell I'm more than a little fed up? Well, she got it in her head that she was being discriminated against by having to do the job she was assigned through Christmas. Wake up and smell the napalm: this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the color of your skin and absolutely EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you have SEVEN MONTHS on the job and the rest of us have anywhere from 12 to 21 YEARS. DEAL WITH IT. We work in a job where duty assignments are dictated by seniority. Or so I mistakenly thought...
Back to the little union rep... My gripes with him are 3-fold: 1. he took a statement from an employee he doesn't represent (he is assigned to an entirely different work area and our little lady in question bypassed her own representatives to go to someone she felt would be more ... amenable to her "plight") 2. he did not properly investigate to see if her claims were correct, ask questions of the parties involved, or address the issue with the supervisor 3. he took the issue all the way to the TOP of the local labor/management chain, instead of starting at step one as local protocol dictates. Let's just say the resident bozos in labor/management have their heads planted so far up their own arses, they haven't seen how the REAL world works in YEARS. Past practice has always been that the senior clerk had to be OFFERED higher level work if the position was available, but had the option to pass that position down to someone with lesser seniority. Only logical, n'cest pais? Well, bear in mind, logic plays NO PART in most decisions by the powers that be, and this is no exception. Our local labor/management brainiacs have decided that "past practice" is incorrect and that we've actually been violating the contract for 21 or more years. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
So what this all boils down to is this: because I am the senior qualified clerk on my shift, I am being FORCED to fill in high level positions whenever the primary jobholders are out (which is QUITE often) even though there are other qualified clerks who WANT to do the jobs and who are quite capable of doing them and doing them well. I brought it to my manager's attention that, FOR THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY, I have put myself in a lower-paying position that ultimately has had more bearing on our overall success. He appreciated the argument, smiled in my face, and then stabbed me in the back.
So... I. BID. OUT. I may regret it. I may get stuck in a sucky job for several months or even more, but -- unlike most of the people I work for and with -- I have principles. I'm sticking to mine, and I'm bidding out based on them. If I don't like what I get, new jobs are posted every month. And they're awarded BASED ON SENIORITY. At least it still counts for SOMETHING...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Well, it has been nine months since my last post. (Sorry, I couldn't resist that beginning...) Good grief. I could have gone through an entire gestational period and given birth to an urchin in the length of time I have neglected this baby. So I refuse to think of it as broken promises or a resolution renewed. Instead, it is just a new beginning. And something about it seems altogether promising.
I'm not sure exactly what has gotten the creative juices flowing again. I've seen 2 excellent movies in the past week; both were well-written & well-acted. I think I must be a writer at heart to look at a movie in that order. Anytime I view a movie that was based on an excellent screenplay, I think to myself "I could do that..." Purely delusional thoughts, I know, but something about the notion gives me the warm fuzzies. And I must admit, while other people play air guitar and imagine themselves as the next great American Idol, I envision myself at Sundance. Or better yet: the Oscars. Strolling down the red carpet, trying not to get all googly-eyed over the REAL stars. Who should I get to design my tuxedo: should I go with the funky hipness of Dolce & Gabana or the classic elegance of Gucci?
Ok. Back to reality. The aforementioned 2 films were/are "The Queen" and "Blood Diamond." I thoroughly enjoy good films but too often procrastinate making the trek to the theater until it's too late. All too frequently, it seems the truly good movies are only showing on a few screens clear across town or are only around for a week or two. Which could possibly be indicators of several different things: 1. the more intelligent movie-goers reside across town (I hope this isn't the case and that theater owners take note of the residential makeup of Inglewood and plan to open a hip theater in our area for quality and independent fare) 2. the majority of movie-goers are teenage boys whose IQs are only slightly larger than their ... shoesize, and this Friday night/mall crowd mentality would much prefer to see a blonde bimbo being slashed than dare put forth the effort to actually contemplate a world outside Playboy pinups or comic book heroes gone awry.
My faith in the intelligence of younger movie-goers is being somewhat restored by 2 of my nephews (who just happen to be brothers.) One is living in Amarillo with his sweet wife and their new baby, and despite the demands of starting a new family, they still manage to get out to see GOOD films. I enjoy our late-night conversations about what we've each seen lately, who his directorial faves are, and upcoming productions he's read about. And his younger brother has become my regular movie companion of late. He works on a catastrophe team for an insurance company, and although he is always on call for the next big disaster, our weather has been catastrophe-free for about 6 months. He is also girlfriend-free at the moment (which I'm sure will end all too quickly), so that gives us some much-enjoyed time together. It makes me feel good that my nephews still think I'm cool enough to hang out with without embarassment.
About the movies...
"The Queen" is that rare film that deftly handles a true event whose media coverage rivaled any of the late 20th century, and it tells the story with aplomb. Stephen Frears incorporates actual film footage of Princess Diana seamlessly throughout the story without it seeming tawdry or gruesome. And Helen Mirren is Queen Elizabeth. She inhabits the role so completely, she makes one forget she's acting; that's what great acting is all about. Just when the viewer wants to hate her for her seeming inability to feel ANYTHING, she redeems the character with her display of compassion and ultimate sorrow for the ruthlessly pursued buck which was eventually hunted down and killed. But just as the viewer feels her empathy for the wild animal which met a such horrid end, you recoil in exasperation when you realize she shows more feeling for an animal than she does for a human being -- the mother of her grandsons -- who was pursued ruthlessly and ultimately hunted down to her own death. Fabulously written and flawlessly acted.
"Blood Diamond" is that increasingly rare movie that draws the viewer in with it's star power/A-list cast, but then rewards us with a story that educates and enlightens us to the plight of a world outside our own cushy existence. It makes the viewer THINK. In this consumer-driven Western society we live in -- a society driven to excess in Jaguars and BMWs, while wearing the latest designer duds and talking on I-Phones held in diamond-encrusted hands -- what price are we actually paying for our excesses? Do we consider the southeast Asian sweatshops our name-brand clothes were made in? Do we think of the underpaid factory workers who produced the nuts and bolts for our Hummers and Rovers but whose own families will never own a car of their own? Do we contemplate the actuality that lives may have been lost for us to sport that "bling-bling" on our fingers, ears and wrists? My dear friend and neighbor knows me for the choco-holic I am, and she gifts me periodically with some very fine chocolate. But what sets this chocolate apart is the fact that it is produced by an eco-friendly company who then donate a portion of their profits towards the conservation of endangered species, habitats and indigenous peoples of the areas from which their chocolate came. THIS is the type of contemplative consumerism we all need to practice. Sure, it takes a little longer to research and seek out responsible companies who actually care about more than their profit margin, but the bottom line is this: it matters. Maybe, just maybe, with the box-office draw of a big name like DiCaprio, more people will leave the theater with a better sense of the actual cost of what we desire, and not just how much money it takes to purchase it.
I'm not sure exactly what has gotten the creative juices flowing again. I've seen 2 excellent movies in the past week; both were well-written & well-acted. I think I must be a writer at heart to look at a movie in that order. Anytime I view a movie that was based on an excellent screenplay, I think to myself "I could do that..." Purely delusional thoughts, I know, but something about the notion gives me the warm fuzzies. And I must admit, while other people play air guitar and imagine themselves as the next great American Idol, I envision myself at Sundance. Or better yet: the Oscars. Strolling down the red carpet, trying not to get all googly-eyed over the REAL stars. Who should I get to design my tuxedo: should I go with the funky hipness of Dolce & Gabana or the classic elegance of Gucci?
Ok. Back to reality. The aforementioned 2 films were/are "The Queen" and "Blood Diamond." I thoroughly enjoy good films but too often procrastinate making the trek to the theater until it's too late. All too frequently, it seems the truly good movies are only showing on a few screens clear across town or are only around for a week or two. Which could possibly be indicators of several different things: 1. the more intelligent movie-goers reside across town (I hope this isn't the case and that theater owners take note of the residential makeup of Inglewood and plan to open a hip theater in our area for quality and independent fare) 2. the majority of movie-goers are teenage boys whose IQs are only slightly larger than their ... shoesize, and this Friday night/mall crowd mentality would much prefer to see a blonde bimbo being slashed than dare put forth the effort to actually contemplate a world outside Playboy pinups or comic book heroes gone awry.
My faith in the intelligence of younger movie-goers is being somewhat restored by 2 of my nephews (who just happen to be brothers.) One is living in Amarillo with his sweet wife and their new baby, and despite the demands of starting a new family, they still manage to get out to see GOOD films. I enjoy our late-night conversations about what we've each seen lately, who his directorial faves are, and upcoming productions he's read about. And his younger brother has become my regular movie companion of late. He works on a catastrophe team for an insurance company, and although he is always on call for the next big disaster, our weather has been catastrophe-free for about 6 months. He is also girlfriend-free at the moment (which I'm sure will end all too quickly), so that gives us some much-enjoyed time together. It makes me feel good that my nephews still think I'm cool enough to hang out with without embarassment.
About the movies...
"The Queen" is that rare film that deftly handles a true event whose media coverage rivaled any of the late 20th century, and it tells the story with aplomb. Stephen Frears incorporates actual film footage of Princess Diana seamlessly throughout the story without it seeming tawdry or gruesome. And Helen Mirren is Queen Elizabeth. She inhabits the role so completely, she makes one forget she's acting; that's what great acting is all about. Just when the viewer wants to hate her for her seeming inability to feel ANYTHING, she redeems the character with her display of compassion and ultimate sorrow for the ruthlessly pursued buck which was eventually hunted down and killed. But just as the viewer feels her empathy for the wild animal which met a such horrid end, you recoil in exasperation when you realize she shows more feeling for an animal than she does for a human being -- the mother of her grandsons -- who was pursued ruthlessly and ultimately hunted down to her own death. Fabulously written and flawlessly acted.
"Blood Diamond" is that increasingly rare movie that draws the viewer in with it's star power/A-list cast, but then rewards us with a story that educates and enlightens us to the plight of a world outside our own cushy existence. It makes the viewer THINK. In this consumer-driven Western society we live in -- a society driven to excess in Jaguars and BMWs, while wearing the latest designer duds and talking on I-Phones held in diamond-encrusted hands -- what price are we actually paying for our excesses? Do we consider the southeast Asian sweatshops our name-brand clothes were made in? Do we think of the underpaid factory workers who produced the nuts and bolts for our Hummers and Rovers but whose own families will never own a car of their own? Do we contemplate the actuality that lives may have been lost for us to sport that "bling-bling" on our fingers, ears and wrists? My dear friend and neighbor knows me for the choco-holic I am, and she gifts me periodically with some very fine chocolate. But what sets this chocolate apart is the fact that it is produced by an eco-friendly company who then donate a portion of their profits towards the conservation of endangered species, habitats and indigenous peoples of the areas from which their chocolate came. THIS is the type of contemplative consumerism we all need to practice. Sure, it takes a little longer to research and seek out responsible companies who actually care about more than their profit margin, but the bottom line is this: it matters. Maybe, just maybe, with the box-office draw of a big name like DiCaprio, more people will leave the theater with a better sense of the actual cost of what we desire, and not just how much money it takes to purchase it.
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