I am in a less than stellar mood right now... I am sitting at The Center for Sleep at Baptist Hospital, waiting for someone to come hook up a bunch of electrodes and monitors to my head, my face, my chest and my legs. Quite conducive to sleep, non? When I voiced that opinion to one of my new doctors (a pulmonary doc who specializes in sleep disorders) he didn't see the humor. Guess sarcasm isn't big where he's from.

The room is ok... quite "motel-like." Until you see the bed completely covered with wires, electrodes, monitors etc. and then note the notice on the wall that reminds you you're being recorded on camera at all times. This is like a bad movie... How did I get here, you might ask? Well, my new primary doctor isn't allowing me to slide on ANYTHING. My former doc was a sweetheart, but after 10 years together, our comfort had become complacency, so when he moved out of town, I was faced with the prospect of obtaining a new physician. "I got a guy" on high recommendation, and he is quite pleasant, but HE MEANS BUSINESS. Don't mention anything to him if you don't want the issue dealt with. Pronto. He asked how I slept, and I deferred with humor. He laughed along with me and then persisted until I answered that I'm up anywhere from 2 to 4 times a night, but wake about every 15 minutes to change sleep positions. I've attributed it to pain in my back from multiple work-related injuries (and surgery years ago that was somewhat successful) and constant pain in both shoulders. But because I've been told recently that I snore (THAT'S a whole 'nother can of worms I might not discuss here for fear of incriminating the guilty complainer), primary doc raised the possibility of a sleep disorder.

So here I sit. And stew. I've just been informed that I need to be in bed by 10 p.m. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?! The sleep doc had informed me I would need to maintain my normal sleep patterns. Which is: I go to bed between 11:30PM and 1A.M. Oh, this is going to be one big fat joy ride. And to top it all off? I'm barely in the door before they're hitting me up for $200. Someone needs to tell these folks that their patients would come in in a much better frame of mind if they at least bought 'em a cup of coffee first. Oh that's right: NO CAFFEINE.
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The nurse/sleep tech just left. I wish I had a picture of me right now. I would post it. I look like some type of experiment gone bad. Like Frankenstein's less successful sibling. I have a band around my abdomen, another around my chest, electrodes on my legs, my shoulders, in my hair, under my chin, behind my ears, and ON MY FACE. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm supposed to sleep like this? Oh yeah: and hanging around my neck is this contraption that all 24 wires plug into. Yep. TWENTY-FOUR wires.

Is it Tuesday yet?